TEETERING ON THE EDGE...

ONLY

redhotdot — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 08:00:27 +0000

It’s 2:00am the time you took your last breath.I would of been up had I been home! I’m so sorry my beautiful baby boy…I want you back, just one more day…

EVER

redhotdot — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 02:16:33 +0000

I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul. I can’t…it is to deep. When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big. I will never have my son back. I can not wrap my brain around the thought. I go about doing this and that for this one and that one, trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again. Will my heart ever heal? Will I feel true joy? Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?

There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now. I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am. I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again. Would not being the old me make me a better new me?

I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me? Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found? Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this, but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…

IN

redhotdot — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:11:32 +0000

There is joy in my heart and rain in my eyes…I will never really be me again…

BALANCE

redhotdot — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 21:28:13 +0000

Lift us up...

Today I was ~~sitting~~ laying here in sadness, Eric came into my room and would pace and walk out of my room and pace and it dawned on me…he is feeling my emotion and I am making him uncomfortable. So I continued to lay here and he came and laid beside me.

Beside me he did not feel comfort so he sat up for a moment, then he got up and again began to pace. As I listened to him move about I realize, I am his everything. I take total care of him, I am his voice, I am his comfort, I am his joy and I am the one who cares for him in sadness. He knows nothing else and I have to be all of those things for him everyday or he is lost.

It’s not a job, it’s an honor and I cherish every moment with him. He changed me the day he was born, made me a better me. At the same time, I changed the day Bobby died and I am having a hard time finding who the new me is. But, Eric does not understand any of that. He just knows his life is off-balance and he needs me.

I noticed yesterday as I lay in bed, Jack came in and out of my room over and over…his life is off-balance too. He should be in his room feeling totally secure playing games and being a kid. He should not have to feel off-balance because I am off-balance. I just need some help figuring out how to get back on balance. I know, time, but my kids don’t have time, they have now and now is what is important. So with my “magic Mom powers” as my kids have always said, I will fight my way back to who I was…one day at a time.

HOLLOW

redhotdot — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 01:26:16 +0000

Click to view slideshow.Halloween has always been one of Bobby’s favorite holidays. This year it is not the same. He is not here to have his big party with all of his friends. It’s just not going to be the same…It is going to be on Monday, the day we laid him to rest. It just doesn’t seem real nor right. I miss Bobber♥♥ So to all of you, have a fun-filled Halloween, that’s what Bobby would want…I’m glad I have the memories…

TEACHING

redhotdot — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 17:43:51 +0000

I have taught my children three things…love unconditionally, giving to others will bring you great happiness and friends and family are forever and always…if they never learn another thing from me, I will always know they will have learned the three most important things to my heart♥♥

AIR

redhotdot — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:32:35 +0000

Two...of my three sons♥♥

Death is forever…it matters not who you are, what you’ve done, how much money you have, what you gave or what you took. It’s just forever…eternal. It is one of the hardest things I have ever encountered in my life, the loss of my child.

A mother’s job is to love and protect her children. But when death knocks you have not the ability to protect and the love flows from a place that is shattered. It changes who you are, your balance. You have no footing, you don’t have the ability to grasp what has really happened. When you come to the place where you begin to think clearly, you don’t have a clue how to put together your life without your child.

Death has changed me in a way I never imagined. I have become a person I never envisioned. I am not who I used to be and the hard part is I don’t know if I can ever get back that part of me that I loved and cherished. I reach and I grasp into thin air. It’s just not there. My circle has grown smaller and my heart feels empty. I don’t bubble with joy and it breaks my heart in a whole new way. I just want someone somewhere to assure me I am really going to be me again, because today, I have no idea who I am…

TWINKLE

redhotdot — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:19:22 +0000

Magic...

When I believed in magic…life was simply…grand. I believed I could make anything happen for those I love. I would forever be able to put a smile on their face and a joy in their heart. The dance of magic is a fantastic fantasy. You hold it tight and nourish it, strengthen it and wrap it around your heart. It is held there warm and with so much love…it is simply…pure magic. You can see magic, it’s the twinkle in your eye.

And…with the touch of a hand, it’s gone. Ripped from your being, stolen from your soul. Taken, kidnapped and vanished from you in the blink of an eye. No more magic. It is just black. I have found nothing to replace the magic, because in all reality, there is nothing to replace magic. It’s a trick. A trick on the mind as well as the heart. Once the trick has been reveled…there is simply…no more magic…

I want to feel magic. I want life to be magical. I want the twinkle in my eye. I can only hope it is not gone forever…forever is a really long time for life not to be magical…

BEFORE

redhotdot — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 01:06:49 +0000

Before a broken heart...

To really be me again…I have would have to have you again♥♥

BOBBER

redhotdot — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 15:56:38 +0000

I want to laugh…but I cry. I want joy…it went with you. My heart is missing a piece so big it can never be filled. My eyes have tears that will not dry. I can not breathe, I need you near. I never imagined I would lose you so young. You were such joy, I love you much. I don’t know how my life will go on, I know it will as I have not a choice, but I have no idea how to move past the heartache I feel. You were my child. My first-born. You were the first person I knew who had my DNA, my blood flowed through your veins. That is forever going to be missing from my heart. When I think of you I want to breath for you. I want you to know I would give the world to have you back. The last time we locked eyes on August 9th, I knew you loved me. You were my Bobber and I just want you back…